When the thunder calls for me

Turning Tables

Time is on my side

"The timing wasn't right". This sentence got me thinking about how people abuse the concept of timing, in their interpersonal relations.
Is it ever about the timing? Or is it just an excuse we use? When we say "the timing is not right for us to be together", don't we really mean that we choose not to be with that person?
What I mean is: what we're really trying to say is less along the lines of "Time/life/fate has played a trick on us by putting an insurmountable obstacle in our way, one that we can only overcome separately, instead of together" and more along the lines of "Being with you is difficult/unsatisfactory. There is a better option on my horizon and I want to explore that instead. Maybe if that option wasn't there, I'd settle for you."
The timing excuse to breakup a relationship has the added bonus of leaving things in stasis - people convince themselves that if/when the time is right, they may get another chance to make things work.
I don't believe that timing is a factor in a relationship. Time, yes, most definitely. Like Henry van Dyke says “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” Time is to love like the wind to a flame :Il vento spegne le candele e alimenta l'incendio - which is to say, wind blows out weak flames and blows up strong ones.
But timing? No, timing is a matter of choice, in my perspective. It may be a rational, conscious choice, or it may be an emotional, an egocentric choice - to put something, or someone else first; to decide to experience another situation instead.

of Beauty and Consolation

It only happens to others.

Meeting the love of your life randomly, without expecting it. "When you're not looking for it, it will find you".
For the longest part of my life, I believed in this wholeheartedly. Against people's advice, that I should be more proactive, and try to meet new people, I hoped that love would indeed find me. That it would sneak up on me out of the blue. So I waited, and I hoped.
It didn't.
Eventually, I moved to Lisbon, a city with a more opportunities. I decided to be proactive, to get out there, be assertive. I kept my eye on the long term, looked for people interested in the same. As tempting as the way for easy sex without commitment looked, it never moved me much. I saw it as the easy, empty, hedonistic way out.
For me, it is a bit like giving up. People who settle for that option are either simply interested in getting pleasure, and have no interest in relating to other people, or, on the other hand, are too hurt or affraid to allow themselves to try again.
It's understandable: the higher the rise, the bigger the fall. The hotter the flame, the deeper the burn.
But the sex alone doesn't seduce me. I need the tenderness, it needs to be a part of the bigger picture.
Now I am despondent. Wanting more than just the sex, or a friendship with benefits is, apparently, old-fashioned, backwards, too straight-minded. It's not the gay way. Men are put off, intimidated, repulsed, discouraged, scared, uninterested in that. They want to have sex with you, and then, maybe, get to know you.
This breaks my heart. And so I'm losing faith. And hope. I don't want to care any more. But I still do.
And thus I am torn between hope and anger.