Reality is perception.
What you see is most often not what you get.
What you see is: what you want to see; what the other person wants you to see; what you think you want to see; what you conclude from the limited information you get.
Getting to know someone is called "getting to know" or "knowing" because it is always a work in progress. It's always occurring, developing, being constructed and de-constructed as you go.
It is a process made of necessary protocol and certain paramount moments that may come about in different stages and times for each specific situation, but that are necessary: the moments of excitement, the moments of disillusionment, the moments of expectation and anxiety, the moments of faith and certainty.
In the beginning, there is always the mask. A person's face, attire and attitude take on an aspect designed to attract others and safeguard one's true self. It is the mask of politeness and grace, of humility, of honesty, of coherence.
Then, as time goes by and situations present themselves, that mask is put under strain, and cracks, revealing glimpses of the soft, vulnerable interior.
That interior either makes the person more attractive, as what you see inside reveals a level of depth you hadn't dreamed of, or it repulses, as it reveals that the mask and the core are not complementary.
You can't blame others for having a mask, for putting on a show. The mask is the highest point of a person's social development, in our cultural context. Our society is based on the duality of the public and the private.
But what you can blame others for is for refusing to accept that they wear a mask. For trying to convince themselves - and everyone else - that they alone are honest, and that everyone else is false.
The solution is not removing your mask, and wanting to remove the mask of others. It's embracing the masks with honesty and accepting the cores with kindness.
Because in the end, only kindness matters.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Time is on my side
"The timing wasn't right". This sentence got me thinking about how people abuse the concept of timing, in their interpersonal relations.
Is it ever about the timing? Or is it just an excuse we use? When we say "the timing is not right for us to be together", don't we really mean that we choose not to be with that person?
What I mean is: what we're really trying to say is less along the lines of "Time/life/fate has played a trick on us by putting an insurmountable obstacle in our way, one that we can only overcome separately, instead of together" and more along the lines of "Being with you is difficult/unsatisfactory. There is a better option on my horizon and I want to explore that instead. Maybe if that option wasn't there, I'd settle for you."
The timing excuse to breakup a relationship has the added bonus of leaving things in stasis - people convince themselves that if/when the time is right, they may get another chance to make things work.
I don't believe that timing is a factor in a relationship. Time, yes, most definitely. Like Henry van Dyke says “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” Time is to love like the wind to a flame :Il vento spegne le candele e alimenta l'incendio - which is to say, wind blows out weak flames and blows up strong ones.
But timing? No, timing is a matter of choice, in my perspective. It may be a rational, conscious choice, or it may be an emotional, an egocentric choice - to put something, or someone else first; to decide to experience another situation instead.
Is it ever about the timing? Or is it just an excuse we use? When we say "the timing is not right for us to be together", don't we really mean that we choose not to be with that person?
What I mean is: what we're really trying to say is less along the lines of "Time/life/fate has played a trick on us by putting an insurmountable obstacle in our way, one that we can only overcome separately, instead of together" and more along the lines of "Being with you is difficult/unsatisfactory. There is a better option on my horizon and I want to explore that instead. Maybe if that option wasn't there, I'd settle for you."
The timing excuse to breakup a relationship has the added bonus of leaving things in stasis - people convince themselves that if/when the time is right, they may get another chance to make things work.
I don't believe that timing is a factor in a relationship. Time, yes, most definitely. Like Henry van Dyke says “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.” Time is to love like the wind to a flame :Il vento spegne le candele e alimenta l'incendio - which is to say, wind blows out weak flames and blows up strong ones.
But timing? No, timing is a matter of choice, in my perspective. It may be a rational, conscious choice, or it may be an emotional, an egocentric choice - to put something, or someone else first; to decide to experience another situation instead.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Friday, April 01, 2011
It only happens to others.
Meeting the love of your life randomly, without expecting it. "When you're not looking for it, it will find you".
For the longest part of my life, I believed in this wholeheartedly. Against people's advice, that I should be more proactive, and try to meet new people, I hoped that love would indeed find me. That it would sneak up on me out of the blue. So I waited, and I hoped.
It didn't.
Eventually, I moved to Lisbon, a city with a more opportunities. I decided to be proactive, to get out there, be assertive. I kept my eye on the long term, looked for people interested in the same. As tempting as the way for easy sex without commitment looked, it never moved me much. I saw it as the easy, empty, hedonistic way out.
For me, it is a bit like giving up. People who settle for that option are either simply interested in getting pleasure, and have no interest in relating to other people, or, on the other hand, are too hurt or affraid to allow themselves to try again.
It's understandable: the higher the rise, the bigger the fall. The hotter the flame, the deeper the burn.
But the sex alone doesn't seduce me. I need the tenderness, it needs to be a part of the bigger picture.
Now I am despondent. Wanting more than just the sex, or a friendship with benefits is, apparently, old-fashioned, backwards, too straight-minded. It's not the gay way. Men are put off, intimidated, repulsed, discouraged, scared, uninterested in that. They want to have sex with you, and then, maybe, get to know you.
This breaks my heart. And so I'm losing faith. And hope. I don't want to care any more. But I still do.
And thus I am torn between hope and anger.
For the longest part of my life, I believed in this wholeheartedly. Against people's advice, that I should be more proactive, and try to meet new people, I hoped that love would indeed find me. That it would sneak up on me out of the blue. So I waited, and I hoped.
It didn't.
Eventually, I moved to Lisbon, a city with a more opportunities. I decided to be proactive, to get out there, be assertive. I kept my eye on the long term, looked for people interested in the same. As tempting as the way for easy sex without commitment looked, it never moved me much. I saw it as the easy, empty, hedonistic way out.
For me, it is a bit like giving up. People who settle for that option are either simply interested in getting pleasure, and have no interest in relating to other people, or, on the other hand, are too hurt or affraid to allow themselves to try again.
It's understandable: the higher the rise, the bigger the fall. The hotter the flame, the deeper the burn.
But the sex alone doesn't seduce me. I need the tenderness, it needs to be a part of the bigger picture.
Now I am despondent. Wanting more than just the sex, or a friendship with benefits is, apparently, old-fashioned, backwards, too straight-minded. It's not the gay way. Men are put off, intimidated, repulsed, discouraged, scared, uninterested in that. They want to have sex with you, and then, maybe, get to know you.
This breaks my heart. And so I'm losing faith. And hope. I don't want to care any more. But I still do.
And thus I am torn between hope and anger.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Take a walk on the wild(er) side
Walking down the street.
Seems like the most average of all human endeavours. But not for everyone...
Some of us can't even take that for granted. And I don't meen the agoraphobic.
Some if us have a condition in our nature that causes strife with others that pass us down the street, while we're walking to work, to school, to the gym, to meet friends. When we're returning home or just taking a stroll around the neighbourhood.
Our mere presence disturbs these others, even though we are not doing anything out of the ordinary. We may have never seen them before, spoken to them directly, or even have made eye contact. But our existence is enough to make them feel an uncontrolable urge to mock us.
It is sad for me to experience this on a daily basis - not everyday, but often.
I fail to comprehend how that can be satisfying for anyone. It won't make a difference: it's not like I'll stop being who I am because they made fun of me.
It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me doubt the quality of the human race. But it doesn't make me straight.
Seems like the most average of all human endeavours. But not for everyone...
Some of us can't even take that for granted. And I don't meen the agoraphobic.
Some if us have a condition in our nature that causes strife with others that pass us down the street, while we're walking to work, to school, to the gym, to meet friends. When we're returning home or just taking a stroll around the neighbourhood.
Our mere presence disturbs these others, even though we are not doing anything out of the ordinary. We may have never seen them before, spoken to them directly, or even have made eye contact. But our existence is enough to make them feel an uncontrolable urge to mock us.
It is sad for me to experience this on a daily basis - not everyday, but often.
I fail to comprehend how that can be satisfying for anyone. It won't make a difference: it's not like I'll stop being who I am because they made fun of me.
It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me doubt the quality of the human race. But it doesn't make me straight.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Reality is perception
People seem to think that indifference is a neutral state, above and beyond love and hate. I think this is a misconception. Indifference is, in truth, a state before such notions. We are indifferent to something when it does not provoke our attention, when it's not present in our perception. Once something is present (to us), we can never be indifferent to it again. We cannot "un-see" it.
Indifference has an opposite unto itself: obsession. If indifference is that pristine state where things are not perceived by us - pristine, because it hasn't been altered by things that have not been perceived -, obsession is the state where something is so present in our reality that it overwhelms everything else.
What people refer to when they express the need to be over love and hate, is more correctly defined as "disregard", as I see it. Being the opposite of "care", disregard is that state in which you simply "don't care any more", "can't be bothered by". It no longer carries for you the emotional weight of either love or hate.
Indifference has an opposite unto itself: obsession. If indifference is that pristine state where things are not perceived by us - pristine, because it hasn't been altered by things that have not been perceived -, obsession is the state where something is so present in our reality that it overwhelms everything else.
What people refer to when they express the need to be over love and hate, is more correctly defined as "disregard", as I see it. Being the opposite of "care", disregard is that state in which you simply "don't care any more", "can't be bothered by". It no longer carries for you the emotional weight of either love or hate.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Once upon a blog...
F1rst!!!! XD
So, at the suggestion of a friend, I finally decided to start my own blog. I had debated with myself the notion of having a place to write down some of the things that go through my mind, and the Facebook page just wasn't enough :P
For some reason, I always felt like blogs are to our generation's adult years what diaries were for our childhood and adolescence. But with a hint of defiance and exhibitionism. It's all those little things we never wanted our moms to read, and now we like to show them off. Our thoughts, opinions, crushes, hatreds and pointless rants after one of "those" days.
Don't let the title of my profile here and the variation on the title set you off. "Imperious Perfect" is the name of a card from Magic: The Gathering (tm). It's set in a world where beauty equals divinity. In that world, the Imperious Perfect is - for the duration of their beauty - the height of perfection and, therefore, authority.
I don't claim to be perfect in any way, so the title is not a symptom of any delusions of grandeur on my part. It is, if anything, a tongue-in-cheek remark on all the things/people/situations that are, at any given point in my life imperiously perfect, despite and inspite, of what they were before, and will be after.
On that note: "The worst kind of perfectionist is that whose perfectionism is at risk of offending the self-esteem of others."
(I got that from a book. Don't remember which one. I have the bad habit of collecting quotes that appeal to me without noting the place I'm quoting them from. I'll work on that.)
... So, enjoy and thanks for stopping by :)
So, at the suggestion of a friend, I finally decided to start my own blog. I had debated with myself the notion of having a place to write down some of the things that go through my mind, and the Facebook page just wasn't enough :P
For some reason, I always felt like blogs are to our generation's adult years what diaries were for our childhood and adolescence. But with a hint of defiance and exhibitionism. It's all those little things we never wanted our moms to read, and now we like to show them off. Our thoughts, opinions, crushes, hatreds and pointless rants after one of "those" days.
Don't let the title of my profile here and the variation on the title set you off. "Imperious Perfect" is the name of a card from Magic: The Gathering (tm). It's set in a world where beauty equals divinity. In that world, the Imperious Perfect is - for the duration of their beauty - the height of perfection and, therefore, authority.
I don't claim to be perfect in any way, so the title is not a symptom of any delusions of grandeur on my part. It is, if anything, a tongue-in-cheek remark on all the things/people/situations that are, at any given point in my life imperiously perfect, despite and inspite, of what they were before, and will be after.
On that note: "The worst kind of perfectionist is that whose perfectionism is at risk of offending the self-esteem of others."
(I got that from a book. Don't remember which one. I have the bad habit of collecting quotes that appeal to me without noting the place I'm quoting them from. I'll work on that.)
... So, enjoy and thanks for stopping by :)
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